The Watcher

Take a wander over into the North East of Essex In the independent Republic of the United Kingdom of Great Britainshire and you'll discover the small town of Wivenhoe. On first appearances, Wivenhoe is much like any other English hellhole of a town; there are a couple of churches, lots of pubs and hair dressers, some places to eat out and even a Co-op that sells speedboats. But scrape beneath the play dough veneer and you'll discover an exotic microcosm of celebrity idiotholes going about their stupid little lives with nothing but gay abandon.

And this is where your heroine comes in. The Wivenhoe Watcher sees all and hears, er, everything I spose. She's kind of like an all-seeing eye, but with a really massive ear attached to it.

 The good news is that cos The Watcher is all clever at writing and that, she became a journalist for the News of the World aged nine and went on to carve a career for herself as the queen of gossip. So if it's happening in Wivenhoe and it's worth hearing about (and sometimes even if it's not), you can rely on her to share the story with the world. So stop reading this guff and get yourself over to the Latest News pages to find out what a gwan.

Hakuna matata