Wivenhoe’s professional shirt wearers are being warned to be on the lookout as it would appear that the town’s Phantom Shirt Snatcher has once again struck.
Giving a press briefing this morning with her celebrity football-kicking mate David Beckenham, poor old Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue was shocked to discover that she had become the latest victim of the vile prankster’s cunning stunt.
“I hoped to tell you about David’s latest charity initiative designed to get him a knighthood when I gathered you all here today, but instead matters have spun out of control and through no fault of my own I’m instead stood up here and you can all see my bra and David’s weird nipples and shit tattoos…” Dame Dannii explained, before breaking into a rendition of her smash hit song Jump To The Beat in a desperate effort to save face.
Of course, the mayor isn’t the first Wivenhoe resident to be struck by the mysterious shirt stealer. Just last week camera-shy curvy clothes horse Kim Kardashian discovered that her blouse had been tea-leafed while on her way to a poetry night at the Greyhound, while Janet Jackson’s recent “wardrobe malfunction” at the William Loveless Hall is also understood to be the work of the Phantom Shirt Snatcher.
In an unrelated incident, police have described claims that a dyslexic copycat snatcher stole Lady Gaga’s skirt while she was on her way home from Wivenhoe station last week as “completed unfounded” which means they’re probably true.