An “unfeasibly old man” has been witnessed running through the streets of Wivenhoe Metropolis hand in hand with a prepubescent girl-child thing, much to the disgust of disgusting disgusted locals, or so it’s being discussed.
The man, who calls himself “the Doctor” has been variously described by nosey curtain twitchers as being aged anywhere between 900 and 2,000 years old and is believed to have the ability to shapeshift and take on a number of different guises. One witness described him as looking like “that Tenants Extra bloke from Broadchurch” while another said that he had “something of the McGanns about him” while yet another came up with the ridiculous claim that in a certain light he looks a bit like “that Christopher Ecclescake bloke”.
Chief of Police Sergeant Major Chief Inspector Deputy Captain, Lieutenant David Starsky told the local press: “ As me old mucker Toyah would say, ‘It’s a myster-wee’. One minute this dude is black and white and shuffling around like an old man, the next he’s hanging around outside the school gates with a pervy hat and a paedo scarf offering the girls jelly babies. One thing’s for sure, he’s always sniffing around some dolly bird that’s way too young to be with him. I don’t know what his trick is, but it’s not fair and that’s why the Old Bill need to sort it out.”
Concerned locals are being warned to keep an eye out for the “doctor’s” perv box, which is described as looking like a blue version of a phone box. And for those of you that don’t know, a phone box is like a glass cupboard that stinks of wee with a mobile phone attached to it by a curly bit of string – mental huh?