Wivenhoe residents awoke on Wednesday morning to the horror of a full-on terrorist attack after police discovered a fine sprinkling of a mysterious white powder all over the town.
Believed to be a deadly mixture of anthrax and lavender talc, the horrific attack has seen Wivenhoe’s security status raised to light brown in precaution.
Experts were called in to carry out extensive sniffing tests to discover what the horrific substance was, only to discover that it had mysteriously disappeared by 10 o’clock. As yet no organisation has claimed responsibility, but police say it looks like the work of “someone foreign, that doesn’t appreciate the flawless way in which we live”.
Security expert Colonel Mustard told The Watcher: “It’s difficult to ascertain at this stage precisely who is responsible for this horrific attack. Some believe it has something to do with prime minister David Cameraman’s decision to bomb Syria cos they looked at us funny, while others think that it might be cocaine, but if you ask me, it bears the characteristics of the Wivenhoe Terrorism Faction (WTF)”.
WTF has carried out a series of acts of disobedience ever since Wivenhoe Council’s contentious decision to open the town’s borders with Colchester during the festive season and is also believed to be responsible for recycling bins being moved from outside of people’s houses, the recent cold weather and the lack of jam doughnuts in Wivenhoe Co-op.
So what can we do to stay safe in these testing times?
Colonel Mustard suggests: “The people of Wivenhoe are advised to removed all of the doors in their homes, place them at a 45° angle against the wall and then leave town. The only way that we can beat these terrorists is giving them precisely what they want, either that or bombing the hell out of somewhere far away where we don’t have to see all the destruction and horror that we cause. Yeah, bombing the living shit out of somewhere far away – that’ll do it”.