Fresh from the success of scoring a try at the weekend’s FA Cup kickball finals, soccerball hunk Christiano Ronaldo capped the perfect weekend by finally having enough vouchers to treat himself to not one but two Goodness Gang friends from Wivenhoe Co-op.
Onlookers explained how the fit Portugeezer whipped his shirt off and ran around the store twirling it around his head and screaming “Ay carumba!” at the top of his voice before stopping in front of the chiller cabinet and flexing his muscles in front of startled shoppers. He then ran out of the shop with the two cuddly toys under his arms before sliding across the zebra crossing on his knees in celebration.
When I caught up with him later at his riverside penthouse, he explained: “I have been collecting the tokens for a long time now, coming back to Wivenhoe from Madrid at every opportunity I get. I now have nearly all the gang and just need Felicity Fig to complete the set. So far it’s cost me £47,500, but it’s worth every penny. I love these guys.”
In other football-related news, it’s been confirmed that Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal is preparing to make Toby Tomato his latest high-profile signing. He told the Watcher: "Toby’s got everything that I’m looking for in a player: pace, passion and control and that little button nose will be a real hit with the fans.”