As anyone that’s ever watched a David Attenborough comedy or the horror that is Top Cat will tell you, cats are notoriously wicked creatures capable of malicious acts of treachery and despicable arrogance. And Wivenhoe’s feline contingent is no different.
For years now Wivenhoe Council has employed the services of a renegade collective of bounty hunter dogs to keep the village free from the reign of feline furies, but following budget restraints the canines have not been deployed this year.
The resulting horror has seen tomcats, gingers and tortoiseshells return to Wivenhoe in their droves, leaving a wretched path of destruction behind them.
Not content with upsetting anyone daft enough to step outside during daylight hours, the cats have also taken to disguising themselves as female sci-fi icons in an effort to get away with more nastiness.
Peter Drawbridge described how he was set upon by a pack of Barbarellas and dragged through a bush like he was a rag toy, before being batted about for a bit and left outside of Co-op as an offering.
Meanwhile, a lone Ripley from the Alien movies was seen licking her bum on the George V playing fields while children tried to play water polo, and the mobile fishmonger’s van was rolled over and set upon by a pack of mewing Sarah Connors from The Terminator.
And now this latest monstrosity. A pack of feline fur bags has congregated outside of Junk & Disorderly dressed as Princess Leia Organa and armed with fish and balls of wool. The vandals have refused to let anyone near the shop and have released a list of demands via Twitter.
As well as wanting all political pussycat prisoners released with immediate effect and the lower half of Wivenhoe be made a cat-only zone, the rebels have also ordered that the shop be demolished and replaced with a giant saucer of milk.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, angrily told the Daily Mail: “I will not negotiate with terrorists!” before adding, “And besides I’m in Malibu for the Winter, so I’ll look into it when I get back in June. If I can be arsed. Jees, can’t you people look after yourselves? You’re supposed to be adults.”
Wivenhoe Chief of police, Detective David Starsky said in a statement to Women's Weekly: “People need to stay inside, lock their doors and windows and block up any cat flaps. We’re gathering as much catnip as we can and reckon this will all blow over before Easter.”