The construction work currently taking place on the site behind Wivenhoe Cemetery continues apace, despite the protestations of Wivenhoe local, Ed Uppers.
Amid the half-finished foundations, diggers and men reading The Sun and whistling at women, stands Ed’s beloved home of 78 years shining like a beacon of hope in a sea of disappointment.
“I was born in this house, killed my first sparrow on this table and lost my virginity against this wall,” explains Mr Uppers, “If you think I’m going to let these barstools knock it down so they can build one of them coffee shops or internet hangouts then they can bugger the fluckles off!”
For the past 8 months Ed has waged a one-man war on construction firm Can We Fix It, refusing to budge an inch despite a number of tempting offers to move on.
“Your man came knocking on me door and he tells me I can pretty much name me price if I shift off. But I didn’t like the cut of his jib. He had a wonky haircut and fashionable glasses and a general air of smugness that comes with youth and virility. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been drinking that cocaine that the papers keep going on about. No chance love, no chance. Now where did I leave me trousers…”
Despite offers from locals to help Mr Uppers find his way to the estate agents so that he can sort his own problems out, he remains steadfast in his refusal to budge. Even Wivenhoe mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, has found herself dragged into the uncomfortably bulgy situation.
She told The Watcher: “Mr Uppers has been a long-standing servant to Wivenhoe over the years, doing absolutely nothing through two world wars. Despite the fact that he killed Wivenhoe’s last surviving sparrow in 1964 and has been a constant menace to the women, children, animals and men of Wivenhoe, we have a duty to look after him. The fact that where his house is located is where I’m having my own private spa built has nothing to do with the situation, I just want to help this wonderful man in whatever small way I can.”
In a move that’s unprecedented, Dame Danni has found a new site for Mr Uppers to relocate to and has even offered to pay for it out of her own Council budget. Working in conjunction with Fart Estate Agents, she has procured the gap between the recycling bins outside Wivenhoe Station.
Estate Agent in chief, and founder of Fart, Mr Earnest Guff told The Watcher: “Mr Uppers is a lucky man. This new site has endless potential, is great for recycling and provides countless opportunities for him to mix with the community. And if he ever wants to go clubbing in Colchester, it’s ideally located for the station.”
The standoff continues…