Wivenhoe police department are warning that the streets of Wivenhoe will be overflowing with seaman this weekend as boats from far and wide are expected to congregate along the river for the town’s annual regatta celebration.
With everyone from Captain Pugwash to Captain James T. Kirk expected to attend, it’s likely to be a festival of fun for anyone that’s keen on boats, ships and ship-shaped boats, and locals have been furiously scrubbing down their poop decks in eager anticipation.
Festival organiser Harry ‘Horratio’ Hornblower told The Watcher: “It’s going to be quite a weekend, there’s going to be loads of boats and that and they’ll be on the river, you know, bobbing around and floating up and down and generally doing what boats do. There’s going to be boats and ships and more boats, it’s going to be triffic.”
With special guests including Dame Ellen MacArthur (who is going to try and cry her entire bodyweight into a bath for charity), some bloke that looks like Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Birds Eye and the ghost of Francis Drake, it promises to be a feast of fun for absolutely none of the family.
But without doubt the biggest draw for the crowds is expected to be all the seamen. As Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue explained: “I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled that Wivenhoe will be overflowing with seamen from all over the world. Dutch seamen, Irish seamen, African seamen and even some special seamen from China. It’ll be great to see everybody coming together. I don’t think we’ve witnessed a gathering of seamen like this since the eighties”
Sadly not everyone in the village is in agreement as Graeme Gah, leader of No Seamen In My Region explains: “Everyone seems to be getting unnecessarily giddy about the thought of seamen rolling up and down our streets, it’s not appropriate and someone needs to take it in hand. I’ll be honest with you the whole thing leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.”
The fun kicks off on Saturday morning when the inhabitants of the town will gather along the dock in an effort to catch crabs.