You have to feel for the simple souls that live in the sprawling North Essex metropolis of Wivenhoe, not only have they had a trying week trying to dispose of town mayor Dame Dannii Minogue’s empty gin bottle collection (numbering over 50, 000 empties), but they’ve also been kept awake at night by the strange noises that have been coming out of the woods.
Local tongue flapper and gossip-monger Doreen Margarine told The BBC’s Top Gear: “It’s a bloody nightmare living next to the woods. If it’s not animals roaring their terrible roars and gnashing their terrible teeth, then it’s kids and immigrants rolling their terrible eyes and showing their terrible claws. This sort of thing never used to happen in my day – we were all too busy dogging and praying. I blame that Norris McWhirter, things have never been the same since he stopped appearing on the telly with that annoying tap dancing fella.”
Following four nights of wild rumpus, the Environment Agency has been forced to act and has brought in its own action man to deal with the problem. Ernest Earnest told The Watcher: “It’s simple really, I deal with this sort of thing all the time. It’s just a case of going in there and showing these morons who’s boss. I just walk into the woods, stare into all of their yellow eyes without blinking once and then shout out ‘Now stop!’ and I send them off home to bed without any supper. I’ve yet to meet a wild thing that won’t fall for this.”
Tragically, nothing has been heard from Mr Ernest since he gave this interview on Wednesday morning. After jumping into his little EA dingy and sailing back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day to where these so-called wild things are, he’s kind of disappeared off the face of the earth which is a shame cos his mum has made him some nice soup for his supper and word on the street is that it’s still hot…