For weeks now social media has been in a rapid decline as people have slowly realised the merit of communicating with one another using their mouth holes and listening flaps instead of via Tweeter or Farcebook, but few could have predicted the radical actions of yesterday when just a single Tweet was posted across the entire planet, while Farcebook laid dormant for 48 hours – apparently the world had run out of stuff to like or poke, whatever the hell that means.
The last man standing was a frightened-sounding Peter Andre, who in a moment of terror pretty close to the one he experienced after waking up next to Katie Price on the day after his wedding, realised that he was floating in a sea of desolation, on a world without hope in a galaxy constructed almost entirely of shit.
Doctor of all things social media-related, Malcolm Powder of Essex University told The Watcher: “These are truly incredible scenes that we’re witnessing here. The people of Englandshire and the wider world have used social media platforms like Farcebook and Tweeter since Victorian times, and a day without someone or other Tweetling or Farckling has not been witnessed in these parts since around 1842. If this trend continues, it could spell the end for civilisation as we know it. This scenario presents a crossroads for mankind and I for one am #ExcitedToSeeWhatHappens.”
Meanwhile, Wivenhoe’s Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, was swift to pour a gutload of scorn over concerns about the decline of social media, as she told a live Q&A on Reddit: “Social media my arse. If I see another tosser prattling on about what they had for dinner, what’s happening in Crossroads or how impressed they are with gorgeous George Osbourne’s entirely fair budget plans, I swear I’m going to puke. If I was in charge, anyone that wasted their time Twirtling or Facefarting would be put in the village stocks until they’ve learnt the #ErrorOfTheirWays. Why can’t these nutshunters make do with the simple pleasures of the real world, like I do in Second Life.”
Happily a special taskforce has been hastily thrown together by the Democratic Republic of Englandshire’s supreme ruler David Cameraman, and it is hoped that emergency packs featuring Gurgle+, Instagran and Tinder rations will be dropped from drones before the end of the month.
For those of you that can’t survive without your five a day (Tweeter, Farceburp, Instagran, Gurgle+ and ShittingDog), the government has put together a special pamphlet that suggests that you remove the doors from your home, place them at a 45° angle against the wall and then sit underneath softly weeping until help arrives. Just to be clear, it never will…