There’s a dangerous epidemic currently sweeping the great nation of Englandshire and it is indiscriminate in the way that it is cruelly striking down both rich and poor, young and old with its shocking symptoms. We speak, of course, of the horror that is Tennis Fever.
A cruel mutation of Tennis Elbow, the disease was believed to have been contained as recently as 1982 around the same time that a cure was finally discovered for Youcannotbeserious-itus . But unfortunately it appears to be back with a vengeance, and our erotically charged little town appears to be one of the first in North Essex to be hit hard by the outbreak.
Wivenhoe’s Medical Chief, Doctor Harold Legg informed presenters of BBC1’s Blue Peter: “It is my unfortunate pleasure to reveal that Wivenhoe is taking massive hits with this horrific disease and that victim numbers are rising all the time. A mixture of the sun coming out and staying out all day long, all them pubs and the fact that Wivenhoe people are feckless, work-shy futters has created a kind of perfect storm scenario that has allowed the disease to blossom like, er, well like blossom I spose. It’s all very worrying and I for one am going to spend the summer in Dorset just to be on the safe side.”
Symptoms are similar to becoming a crushing bore, and the people of Wivenhoe have been warned to keep an eye on loved ones and older members of the community so that they can be swiftly locked away if they start to show signs of coming down with the sickness.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, sent this message from her underground bunker: “This disease is a vile stain on the fabric of Wivenhoe’s underpants and we need to clean it off before the people of Clacton, Brightlingsea and that other dump across the river find out that we’re not quite as perfect as we make out. Keep an eye on your loved ones and if they start to suffer from itchy bum, a desire to drink Robinson’s barley water or the need to keep shouting “Come on Tim!” and repeatedly grunting while playing with their balls, get them along to the doctor’s sharpish. I know that some of you have been complaining that the surgery has been closed for the last three weeks, but the dustmen will be picking up the shortfall on the third Wednesday of every month with a P in it. Carry on citizens of Wivenhoe, there’s nothing to fear.”