Health warnings have been issued as Britain braces itself for temperatures believed to be hotter than the dark side of the moon, which can mean only one thing – pictures of scantily clad women in newspapers and on our TV screens.
And Wivenhoe is no exception. Gorgeous Debbie Johnson (aged 14, left) and stunning Gordon Fitzsimmons (aged 62, right) were just some of the beauties out and about enjoying the funshine in Wivenhoe today. With temperatures soaring as high as 2°C yesterday and expected to rise to a staggeringly balmy 4.6°C before the end of the month, posing pouches, thongs and micro bikinis are being dusted down in a frantic effort to show off shabby tattoos, grotesque piercings, subtle bruising and TB scars to increase the chances of getting skin cancer.
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue welcomed the news, pointing out: “There’s nothing more natural at this time of year than staring at women that have taken the trouble to dress in clothing that leaves nothing to the imagination. The right to bare arms (shoulders, bellies and thighs) is part of the constitution of the Democratic Republic of Great Britainshire and an important part of what makes the UK so well respected absolutely nowhere.”
However, voice of reason Doctor David of Bellamy was quick to poor scorn on sunbathers, pointing out: “It’s all very well everyone getting their kit off to catch some rays, but people need to be responsible. Women should only take their tops off if they’re boobalicious, and only in places where men can properly get an eyeful like parks or near building sites – it’s no good doing this in the privacy of your own home. Similarly, men should only be stripping down to their mankinis if they’re proper fit. We don’t need to see any chubby bloaters with arse cracks and man-breasticles out on display. If it ain’t fit, we don’t wanna see it, you get me?”
Top tips for staying alive in these testing conditions include only wearing brown, keeping trousers completely undone, ditching cravats and cumberbands in favour of fishnets and ensuring that you stay well lubricated at all times.
The clement weather is expected to last until at least 3.52 next Wednesday, whereupon it will revert to drizzle and sleet as we wind up towards months of proper ‘big rain’.