For months now the women of Wivenhoe (not to be confused with the folk/ska tribute band The Wivmen of Worminghole) have been living in fear, thanks to the perverted acts of one lusty local. The blonde-haired, horny he-whore has been driving around in his smutmobile at all hours of the day and night calling out obscenities at shapely she-types before guffawing and driving away at top speed.
Up until recently his identity has remained shrouded in mystery with victims describing him as a cross between Worzel Gummidge and Lord Snooty, but now The Watcher can exclusively reveal this photo of the shameless filth yodeler.
Do you know this man? Maybe you’ve seen him cruising around the streets of Wivenhoe with his beady eye on the prowl for a tasty morsel to hurl his fiendish barbs at? If so Wivenhoe’s chief of Police, Colonel Captain Chief Inspector Detective David Starsky, would like to speak and spell you.
One victim, Shirley Bassey (name and voice changed for the purposes of this interview) told The Watcher: “At first he seemed quite educated and charming and then the next thing I knew he was going on about how he was going to paddle me with his wiff waff or something.”
Meanwhile Lillian Spam (name and voice not changed, I couldn’t be bothered) added: “This man is a vile, ill-educated moron-face. He’s got zero respect for women and thinks we’re just something he can feel, fiddle with and fumble. He’s got incredible hair though…”
Be warned, the pervert remains at large and women are advised to either dress wrapped in brown paper to limit their appeal to the toilet-mouthed tool or to carry high-grade weaponry with them at all times.
So remember, clunk click before every trip, or something...