Meet Kung Poo Fanda – 32 tonnes of pure rabid robo rage – or as Wivenhoe’s chief of police, Colonel Viscount Duke David Starsky, describes him: “The ultimate deterrent against dog owners leaving their pet's poop on the pavement”.
With a set of blue lasers capable of slicing the eyelashes off a gnat at 30 yards, enough missiles to wipe out a small country the size of China and a cute way with the kids, Kung Poo Fanda is the future of policing in Wivenhoe.
As Chief Constable Detective Sergeant Captain Starsky explains: “For too long now people have thought it OK to cock a snook or even snook a cock at the police, but not no more. If one of you scumbags even looks at me funny I’m going to unleash hell, you get me? Ahem, I’m sorry, what I mean is, Kung Poo Fanda is the new acceptable face of policing in Wivenhoe. Kids love him, the people of China fear him and anyone that doesn’t take responsibility for their dog shit needs to check themselves before they wreck themselves. It’s the perfect mix of cuddly cuteness and sinister ultra-violence that we in the forces have been trying to convey for sometime now.”
While there have been naysayers that have suggested that such a route of action for the police is dangerous and could lead to a police state, Sergeant Captain, Deputy Inspector Starsky has been swift to allay fears. “Yeah there were some leftie fools that thought that their banners and cries for help would stop Kung Poo Fanda in his tracks, but he hasn’t got an ounce of compassion and if anything, actually gets off on extreme violence. Anyone that feels this is a threat to their civil liberty is probably a communist or a fascist, or worse still a commie fascist. Either way, they’re going down…”
Thank goodness for Kung Poo Fanda keeping the street clean of scum, vermin and dog poop.