Over the last few years, terrorism has become a sad part of life that Wivenhonians have had to grow used to. With the constant threat of exploding sheep from the Arlesford wing of the Welsh Liberation Front and the horror of pasty mines planted in the King George V playing fields by dissidents from the Cornish National Liberation Army, it’s like a jungle out there and it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.
Thankfully, help is at hand as Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue has unveiled the latest addition to Wivenhoe’s police department – the Terrorism Prevention Unit – currently consisting of the winner of some feckless talent competition off the telly.
As Dame Dannii explained to a group of pigeons in the park this morning: “I was watching that Britain’s Got Talent But Likes Dogs More last night on the box, when I saw Jules and Matisse doing a wonderful reenactment of the murder of contemporary culture and all that is sacred. I thought to myself ‘These guys are just what I need to keep those middle class toss spurters quiet in Wivenhoe’. So I gave Simon a shout and got her in.”
Dannii has revealed that Matisse will be employing a cunning combination of walking on his back legs, rolling over on his belly and begging for treats to stop even the most cold-hearted war monger in their tracks, adding: “I reckon even that O’Simon Bin-Lardon would think twice before attacking the Co-op if he saw this mutt doing its stuff”.