Following the announcement last week by Wivenhoe’s Bromegroove school that it will be ditching its traditional blue school shirts in favour of cream-coloured cashmere gillets, Milthields school has unveiled Miley Cyrus as the designer of its new uniforms going forward.
Headmistress in chief, Janine Peacock, told the BBC’s Emily Maitliss: “I’m sick and tired of them mofos in the crappy bit of Wivenhoe constantly trying to get one up on us. Last year we announced that we’d be having a wet t-shirt competition for the mums at the Xmas fair and they only went and copied us. Then we opted to ditch the national curriculum and instead adopt the 1978 Grange Hill annual as our guide and they did the same. Well this time we’re going to beat the fluckers at their own game…”
After careful consideration, the school governors drew up a short list of leading international clothes designers consisting of Lady Gaga, Su Pollard, Miley and the bloke that sells fresh fish from his van near the Co-op. In the end it was Miley that came through trumps, as governor Nick Knowles told The Watcher: “People tend to think of Miley as some twerking, wrecking ball riding sluck, but the truth is that she’s got her finger on the pulse of what kids should be wearing and she’s a damn site cheaper than George at Asda, so it was a bit of a no brainer”.
Myley is currently staying in bossom-buddy Dame Dannii Minogue’s Wivenhoe complex and remained uncharacteristically tight-lipped about what she has planned at this morning’s press launch, but chances are that it will be something tasteful, demure, conservative and almost completely appropriate.