Like any other British town, the North-Essex metropolis of Wivenhoe is awash with pornography. Whether it be tattered copies of Shuffler magazine forlornly blowing along the riverfront in down-town Wivenhoe, or knock-off boxsets of Shaving Ryan’s Privates being sold out of the ice cream van round by the haunted mine shaft, grumble appears to be everywhere. But can you really get too much of a good thing? Current evidence seems to suggest that yes, yes, yes, ooohh yes, give it to me, you can.
As is required by British law, Wivenhoe’s pornography shipment arrives early on Monday morning as a convoy of lorries and articulated smut wagons with container after container of filth winds its way into the town. And like every other suburb across the UK, it returns on Sunday evening to pick up the soiled goods, so that they can be recycled and sent out to Africa for those that can’t afford first-hand mind grubbish for themselves. But new research seems to be suggesting that the people of Wivenhoe are being delivered more pornography than they can actually handle.
Professor Ivan Spurt of Essex University recently told The Watcher: “You’d think I was mad if I told you that no one person can have too much finger filth, but our research seems to suggest that there is a lot of porn going to waste and that if we’re not careful we might experience the infamous porn mountains of the late eighties.”
The professor’s findings suggest that while people are increasingly relying on porn banks in lower income areas like Hertfordshire and the Lake District, the people of Wivenhoe are being incredibly wasteful in the way that they consume and utilise their weekly allowance.
“I have seen perfectly good copies of Robo Cock 4 left on seats in the park – hardly used. While there are stacks of Throbin Hood, Edward Penis Hands and Assablanca piled up on the streets untouched by human hand. It’s all just so wasteful”
So what can be done?
Thankfully, thoughtful members of Wivenhoe’s Pornography Society are collecting together unwanted and half-used material to send out to communities less fortunate than ours and 15 transit vans will be heading up the M1 at the end of the week to give the people of Derby enough grumble to see them into the middle of next week. If you have some muckiness that you no longer need or have grown tired of, please leave it outside of your house in a bag clearly marked “PORNOGRAPHY” and the vans will collect it every third Thursday unless there’s an X in the month.