Following the news that America’s Idiot-in-chief Kanye Vest has announced his intention to stand as mayor of Wivenhoe, current chief of operations, Dame Danni Minogue has been forced to up her game.
It’s expected that next week she will be announcing a sweeping range of new initiatives in a desperate attempt to cling onto her dwindling powers and today her PR machine swung into action as she unveiled her new public toilet upkeep officer, George Michaels.
In her regular Saturday morning press briefing Dame Danni told a moist Bill Oddie: “For too long the scum of Wivenhoe have been showing utter disregard to these here public amenities, peeing and pooping in them with no concern for the germs that their filth is spreading. Well no more! Not on my watch. That’s why I’m going to clean this town up once and for all. That’s why I called on my good friend Georgie to come and sort things out – no-one knows toilets like he does.”
The newly unveiled Toilet Czar, who’d just returned from picking up some photos from Wivenhoe’s Snappy Snaps, added: “I came to your country as a humble Greek migrant looking for an opportunity to better myself and I’m eternally grateful for the warm embrace your people gave me. Call me good, call me bad, call me anything you want to baby. But I know, that I’m your man.”