There are few dates that stand out on the calendar in quite the same way that an Apple launch does. There’s national onion day (July 34th), adopt a slug week (October 3rd-25th) and Vanessafest day. And understandably, the world drew a combined breath of nervous anticipation as it was decided that today would be the official unveiling of Apple’s latest piece of over-priced junk – the iPad.
In a change to the usual format of getting Apple head honcho Tim Cock to present the unveiling from Apple’s Cuppa-tea-nose base in California, the ghost of Steve Jobs was summoned by Mystic Meg and the presentation took place outside of Kemble Funeral Home in downtown Wivenhoe.
The gathered spoddy, pimpled blokes who really ought to know better cooed in excitement as first Big Brown Jobbies unveiled a thrilling new update to the Mac operating system called FoOkWiT.
Jobs told the gathered pimpled perverts: “FoOkWiT has a number of new applications, including the ability to freeze for up 15 minutes when you need it to work most, the auto-not-save when a program crashes, so that you lose all of your work and the spinning beach ball of doom, which basically doesn’t let you do anything.”
But it was the launch of the new Apple iPad that worked the crowd up into the biggest sexual frenzy. As Jobs explained: “ The problem with the iPhone is that you have to get it out of your pocket and similarly with the iWatch you have to lift your arm up to read it. In today’s fast-paced world no one has time for such frivolities, we need to be able to check our Twatter status and we need to do it now. And this is where iPad comes in.
"This 0.6in tablet is made from a hyper-allogeneic polymer called Boolsheet that makes it so flexible that it can be comfortably placed in the wearer’s underwear and forgotten about. It has a small diode that emits tiny electric shocks to inform the user that they have a status updated and the message is then tapped out on their thigh using Morse code.”
The iPad will initially be released with 14k built-in memory and is expected to cost £1,300, while a new larger MaxiPad is expected later in the year for £2,400. Gullible idiots and unquestioning followers of fashion are advised to start saving now.