For years now Wivenhoe’s only road has always consisted of a bumpy cobbled street that has allowed traders in and out of the sprawling metropolis, but now work is underway to equip the town with its own information super highway. While this is seen as a positive move by the inhabitants of Colchester and the outer rim, the fact that the road will be closed for 11 years is seeing the normally steely resolve of Wivenfolk being stretched to melting point by the introduction of a 511 mile diversion, that adds an extra 14 hours to any journey in and out of the village.
As information super highway engineer Trev Builder explains: “We already shut the road for a month so that we could do some stuff that didn’t actually involve the road and that seemed to piss people off, so we’ve decided to do it again but for longer this time. Anyone that wants to leave the village is advised to take the A412 towards, Nottingham, turn left at Glasgow and then use the Bristol bypass to get into Colchester or wherever it is they want to go. Buses will be allowed to continue to use the road just to highlight the fact that it doesn’t really need to be closed.”
Phoning in from her Barbados winter retreat, Wivenhoe mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told BBC Look East: “I don’t really understand what all the fuss is about to be honest. Wivenhoe is such an oasis of calm and tranquillity that no one really needs to leave town. We should all see this as an opportunity to stay home and enjoy one another’s company or something. Boy, fetch me another strawberry daiquiri…”
The outlawed anarchist group the Wivenhoe Liberation Front is understood to be a bit miffed about the whole thing and is considering writing a strongly worded letter to the BBC’s Points Of View.