Following endless speculation about what form Brexit will take, supreme leader of Great Britainshire Trees-Are-May announced today in her big girl’s speech that talk of hard, soft and red, white and blue Brexit is now redundant as the country will be adopting Well ‘Ard Brexit.
Under the new legislation, anyone of foreign lineage will finally be sent packing to whatever strange little backwards enclave they originally came from. In her mid-afternoon address Grand Mof May stated: “What we need is England for the English. If your genes have even the slightest trace of Huguenot, Angle, Saxon, Jutes, Frisian, Norman, Celt or Neanderthal you can piss of back where you belong. I’m talking about taking England back to when it was properly English, like in the early seventh or eighth century or something…”
As if to underline how seriously the Government is taking the new stance, it is understood that our very own Queen, Lizbeth Saxe-Coburg-Gotha (aka Elizabeth Two) and her oily husband Philip Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glucksburg-Battenberg (aka Phil the Greek) will be sent packing in the next few days.
Critic of Well ‘Ard Brexit, Jeremy Soppington-Waitrose points out: “The shame of it is that despite being about as foreign as good old English curry or Chinese, our royal family have tried really hard to fit in. Big Phil is about as racist as any proud blue-blooded Englishman and Elizabeth Two has got the sneery ‘Eastenders face’ down to a tee. It’s a disgrace I tells ya”.
Scientific think tanks and mathsmen in tank tops have been crunching the numbers and early estimations suggest that the new post-Brexit Britain will leave the population with just four inhabitants and Michael Gove who is not entirely of this earth. About bleeding time.