Following hours of development, tens of pounds and literally minutes of planning, Wivenhoe’s new doctor’s surgery finally opens for business from next week.
The new droppings centre, which has arrived only a decade and half later than expected, has been strategically positioned three and a half miles down the road from the original doctor’s gaff to ensure that it is far enough out of the way to confuse the elderly and to ensure that those that aren’t at death’s door don’t bother coming.
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue has faced widespread criticism for the way that the surgery took longer than expected to complete and came in well over budget, but has reassured the people of Wivenhoe that savings will be made elsewhere to cover the costs. Speaking from a queue in Wivenhoe Co-op, she told anyone that was listening: “Sure it’s come in over budget, but by equipping the doctors with Fisher Price medical kits, we have managed to save a fortune. Let’s just hope that no one is stupid enough to get properly ill”.
Chief surgeon Dr Kildaire told excited well-wishers: “It’s great to be able to offer the people of Wivenhoe the medical support they fully deserve. We can guarantee the sick and needy that they will only have to wait between two to three months to get an emergency appointment. Those that are planning on getting a cold or earache between 2019 and 2023 are advised to try and book an appointment now to have a hope of being seen, while anyone with anything more serious should probably go private or cut out the middle man and give the funeral home a shout”.
Meanwhile, rumours that the surgery had explored the idea of having a woman doctor have thankfully proven to be unfounded and, in fact, the plot of a TV show enjoyed by children and adults that really ought to know better.