The Environment Agency is calling on Wivenhoe residents to be on the lookout for wild goths over the coming days as there is growing concern that the expected warm weather could cause havoc with their beautiful alabaster skin, making them shrivel up and turn to dust, leaving behind nothing but a pile of black lace, leather and clumpy boots.
For years Wivenhoe’s woods and river banks have been the perfect environment for the native species to flourish, thanks to the cool dark climate, absence of sunshine and abundance of shit music and snake bite. But all of this is being thrown into severe threat with the upcoming heat wave.
Speaking to BBC Springwatch, Wivenhoe’s resident naturist David Bellamy exclaimed: “Usually at this time of year goths native to the South East of England have migrated North to Camden Town or Whitby, but this year they all got caught out and some of them have even managed to catch the sun. It’s a terrible plight and it would be such a shame if we were no longer able to see these beautiful specimens skulking around among the bracken and smoking fags behind bins anymore.”
Experts are advising anyone that finds a goth that’s suffered the ill effects of light burn should douse them in patchouli oil, wrap them in anything black and them lock them away in a darkened room until trained professionals are able to come and assist. In the meantime, Siouxsie Sioux has set up a special helpline for those concerned by any issues raised.