As the simple people of Wivenhoe bask in the glory of the heatwave that is totally absolutely and definitely nothing to do with Global Warning, residents are being advised to spare a thought for goths. Traditionally, dressed in black, with eyeliner, strange orthopaedic boots and a less than sunny disposition, they are known to suffer at this time of year and need to be kept in a cool, dark room, away from the dangerous rays of the sun.
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue used her morning press briefing today to remind locals to keep an eye out for those suffering from the unseasonably good weather, noting: “It’s important to remember that goths aren’t like real human beings and extra consideration needs to be taken at this time of year for their wellbeing. If you see a goth in distress don’t laugh take photos or throw stones. Try to get them into the shade, loosen up some of their lace, undo their corsets and douse their stinking leather in water.”
Wivenhoe’s Environment Agency are going out in vans trying to track down indigenous goths that are suffering from the heat, and have provided a helpful checklist for anyone that happens upon these poor simple creatures:
Make sure fresh water is always available to them, or better still pints of snakebite, pickled onion Monster Munch and poorly put together Old Holborn rollies.
Never leave a goth in a car, even with the window wound down a bit. They might get too hot or worse still start fiddling with your music and putting their Cure CD in the player.
If you see a goth in distress inside a locked car, you are legally obliged to break the windows, either that or let the tyres down.
Feel the ground with your hand. If it is too hot to touch, it will be too hot for them to be out as it will melt their big clumpy black boots, meaning you will be safe to step outside without fear of bumping into one.
Remember: a goth isn’t just for Christmas, if you’re stupid enough to let one into your life it’s up to you to look after them all year round. You have been warned.