What better way to celebrate International Women’s Day and the big strides forward that the fairer sex (as opposed to the unfairer sex) has made than a new theme park honouring one of the greatest feminist works of fiction of all time?
I speak of 50 Shades of Grape, JR Hartley’s phenomenal story about how all women want is to be shagged by rich, powerful men in as demeaning and frankly stupid a way as possible, ideally involving strawberries, chocolate, gaffer tape, industrial-strength rope and Lego.
Wivenhoe’s leading feminist Sherida Pie, explained to the Watcher what the new theme park offers to adventurous couples: “I don’t know about you, but I’ve grown sick and tired of the limited dogging opportunities that Wivenhoe Woods offer, and for the true S&M aficionado Wivenhoe is severely lacking – except perhaps for round the corner near the large-print books in the library. Hopefully by introducing this new 50 Shades ‘adult play zone’ women will be able to explore their sexuality in some truly uncomfortable surroundings, with the drizzle titillating their bits, while the wind whistles round their wotsits. The close proximity to the kids’ playground is unfortunate, but I like to think it adds an extra frisson of excitement to the whole ‘mummy and daddy special time’ experience”.