Following Monday’s engineering works fiasco at Colchester station, Abellio Greater Anglia has unveiled a new fleet of trains and a promise that no train will ever run late again, honest guv.
At the launch of the new trains, Abellio Greater Anglia new chief of operations Mr Pfff Atcontroller told The Watcher: “For some reason people think that it’s enough to pay £140 a week and then get a service that runs on time and gets you where you want to be. Obviously, with today’s technological advancements such thinking is pure craziness. However, with our new fleet of trains, we believe that we’ll be able to get you into London and then get you home again within a two-week window. Unfortunately, this will probably result in another rise in prices, but you know times is hard innit.”
The new trains include a cardboard animated Welsh steam train from the seventies called Ivor, some with faces and names like Percy and James voiced by Ringo Starr and new ones especially designed to stink of urine, be unfit for transporting livestock and made to break down at least four times a week.