Wivenhoe council is trialling a new pioneering scheme to bring an end to dog muck on the streets of our beloved sprawling metropolis. From the end of the month, anyone that owns an actual living, breathing dog – you know, the ones that poop on the pavement, pee on the paths and shit in the woods – will have to trade it in for a new eco zero-emissions model.
The all-new ‘air dog’ acts much like a traditional woofer – it has a wagging tail, can lick its own arse for hours on end and will chase a stick like an aimless moron for as long as you’re willing to throw it. But the good news is that any doggy deposits it makes come pre-wrapped in a polythene bag so that all you have to do is pick it up and pop it in those handy bins that have been strategically placed around Wivenhoe for everyone to ignore.
Eminent scientist Professor Brain Cocks explains the technology behind the new-look man’s best friend, explaining: “The beauty of air dog, is it don’t smell, it can’t really bite you, its bark is more of a squeak and at the end of the day you can let the air out of it and stick it away in a drawer. We’re even carrying out tests for new models that will do their little doggy poopsies in helium-filled bags that will float up into the air and then get carried away on the wind like dandelions.”
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, endorsed the new scheme explaining: “I have love and respect for dog muck as much as the next person, but there are times when I’m walking through the woods in my open-toed sandals when it just isn’t quite as nice as sand when it squishes between my tootsies. Call me old-fashioned but I’m just not feeling the love. These new condom dogs look much better.”