Pop sensation Ariana Grande has revealed that she plans to hold a special commemoration concert at Wivenhoe’s tennis courts tomorrow evening to mark the tragic passing of British comedy legend and all-round nice guy Pater Sallis.
Speaking to the press outside of Wivenhoe Co-op this afternoon, a tearful Grande sobbed: “It’s a real tragedy, Peter was like Bowie, Lennon, Greggs and George Formby rolled into one – a true original. I don’t honestly know how the world is going to deal with the fact that there’ll be no more Wallace and Gromit…”
It is understood that The Rolling Stones, Madonna, the Pope and Pepsi and Shirley have all agreed to play at the special benefit, and rumours are already circulating that a very special guest appearance by Morph is on the cards.
In the lead up to the concert, mourners are planning to roll down the hill at the King George V playing fields in a procession of tin baths, while women everywhere will stand on their doorsteps at midday with their wrinkled stockings at half mast.