Last weekend was a real treat for anyone that enjoys putting themselves through the tedium of awards ceremonies with the Grammys taking place across the pond in the United States of Merica, while the FAFTAs were hosted by darling Stephen Fry-Up in that there London town.
Traditionally, Wivenhoe hasn’t fared particularly well in awards presentations like these – winning just the one Oscar for Martin Newell’s screen play for Police Academy 4 – Cop A Load Of This back in 1987, but this year was different – as The Sun ‘newspaper’ put it: “Watch out Merica, the Brits are coming!”.
The Wivenhoe Tea Rooms won a FAFTA for Best Musical In A Foreign Language, while Wivenhoe Garage bought home the bacon with the award for Best Song To Feature In A Documentary Narrated By Morgan Freeman.
But while all the darlings and divas were busy generally titting about and mwah-ing like their pathetic pashmina-wrapped lives depended on it, the serious business of proper awards winning was being taken care of across the sea by Wivenhoe’s premier barnet booster – MC Miles and the Cutting Crew.
Miles – who’s short-back and sides outsold both Adele’s 25 and Mark Ronson’s Uptown Funk – represented the UK in a huge way, taking home an unprecedented five Grammys – Best Album, Best Single, Best Grime Artist, Best R&B Lick and Best Use Of Long Hair On Top With A Shaved Bit At The Side With A Sort Of Tramline That Looks Like A Parting, You Know Like The Boy Bands And The Footballers Have.
Miles – who arrived with Beyoncé on one arm and Su Pollard on the other and left with P-Diddy in his back pocket and a rather nasty case of the Rihannas – told his screaming fans: “What can I do for you? Bit shorter on the top? Weird tramline on the side? Going anywhere nice for your holidays?” before raising his arms aloft with his awards and turning to the crowd with a knowing wink and saying “Watch the step now, mind how you go…”