For years now, one of the most contentious issues in the world of music has been where and when did the Sex Pistols first form. The Watcher can finally provide an answer to the mystery as photographic evidence has emerged of the Pistols – Sid Vicious, Johnny Rotten, Steve Jones and Ringo Starr – larking about in Wivenhoe back in 1832.
The photo of the four likely lads from Braintree was unearthed by history enthusiast and local bullshitter Steven Pencilcase, who claims to have discovered the archaic artefact in his loft – despite living in a ground-floor flat.
Mr Pencilcase explains: “My mother was something of a wildchild back then and she started dating the band’s manager – Malcolm Epstein – just as the Fad Four were getting their act together and performing in Wivenhoe’s world-famous Caravan Club. She took this photo just days after the band was formed. The next week they recorded their first number one, All You Need Is Anarchy, and the rest is history.
The photograph was verified as being authentic by ex-Record Breakers know-it-all and enthusiastic racist Noris McWhirter, in spite of the fact that he’s been dead since 2004.