The line-up for this year’s Big Brother idiot popularity contest features some of the most disappointing specimens of humankind ever and looks to be one of the most unpopular series yet. In a twist, the winner of this year’s freakshow will get to run the United Kingdom instead of winning a cash prize, yawn.
The contestants, which encompass a cross section of the country’s most stupid pond scum ever include David, a posho spam-faced page boy intent on keeping plebs where they belong – in the gutter; Eddie, a double-kitchened, rubber-faced mumbler incapable of eating bacon without looking weird; Nicky, a two-faced lying lapdog who’ll wag his tail for anyone and sit up nicely like a good boy to please his master and Nigel a lunatic racist with more hatred and bile than a London taxi driver.
Meanwhile, eye candy comes from three stunning buxom babes in the form of a Welsh, a Scotch and some sort of flower-loving hippy chick. I forget their names and you probably will too. Typically they’ll be the only ones talking sense, but being women we’ll be focusing more on what they wear and do with their hair than what they actually say, which is of course absolutely right and proper.
In a change to the traditional show format, the Big Brother contestants won’t be living in the house together and will instead travel around the country in ‘battle buses’, carrying out challenges like repeating meaningless phrases over and over again while standing in factories, supermarkets and crack dens around the country, kissing babies and undoing their ties, rolling their sleeves up and trying to look like normal folk, which they quite clearly aren’t.
And instead of there being a weekly elimination show, TV production company Anusol has announced that there will be an entire day set aside for voting for your favourite weirdo. Strangely, you won’t be able to do it online or by mobile and will actually have to get up off your fat, wrinkled arse and waddle down to ‘Big Brother voting stations’.
Schools, hospitals, old people’s homes and other non-essential buildings will be closed for the day (and then permanently closed after the general erection) so that you can go and vote for who you want to be Big Brother’s winning gimp for 2015. Frankly the whole thing is a farce and the sooner this tired format is given a shake up and made more entertaining the better. Thankfully, Davina isn’t presenting. Small mercies and all that…