There are few things that bring the people of Wivenhoe together quite like complaining about the everyday mundanity of life. Whether it be the closing of a road, the introduction of a zombie containment facility next to a school or the burial of nuclear waste under the children’s playground, but for once the small rural community made up of farmers, boozers and ne’er-do-wells is united in its praise of the town council’s refuse collection service.
The new service, which started last week, has resulted in an efficient clear up of local rubbish and has proved to be a resounding success across the county.
Local rent-a-gobshite Rob Tarmac told Whizzer and Chips magazine: “It’s great to think that on hot days like we’ve been experiencing, the rubbish isn’t sitting and festering on the street and that it’s being cleared up and taken away with the minimum of fuss. I’d like to commend the council on their simple fool-proof system and efficiency. It’s good to see that in an age of continuing austerity the welfare of people is being put before cost-saving shams”.
Meanwhile, Mary Berry – owner of Wivenhoe’s favourite illicit brothel facility (Taste of Hollywood) – commented: “Being limited to just three bags a month for a busy family like mine is a source of real joy for which we’re eternally grateful. I really feel like I’m doing my bit for the community by ensuring that most of my rubbish gets blown down the road or eaten by wolves rather than being stolen by those filthy bin men”.
For those that are still confused, the new rubbish collection timetable works in the following way:
Glass will be collected on the third Thursday after Mars is at its closest point to Pluto.
Compost will be collected everyday, except if there’s a vowel in the month.
Black bin bags will be ignored for a minimum of three months and then loosely dragged across the street (only if they’ve already split) and then left for an additional three days before being ignored forever more.
Paper will be collected on the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Garden waste will be loosely scattered along the road and then left for Mother Nature to blow in the general direction of Brightlingsea.
Council tax will be increased inline with Government guesswork by 2.8% to cover this new framework.