While the people of Englandshire like to spend the day after their traditional yuletide feasting getting drunk and watching re-runs of James Bond, Indiana Jones or The Snowman on TV, over the pond in the United States of Americana they do things a little bit differenter.
For some reason, they call Christmas Day “Thank Gibbons Day” and they celebrate it in November! Mental, eh?
Like their forefathers they sit down to eat a festive meal of Big Mac, washed down with Taco Bell and Gatorade followed by a traditional KFC bucket or something, before heading off to their local shopping mall (basically American for Lakeside or Bluewater) and fighting like animals over crap in shops that they neither need nor want. It’s really no wonder they’ve all got guns and shoot one another all the time.
The good news is that like everything that comes from Americana, us British are desperate to imitate, but in a slightly pathetic English way. And so, Friday 27th November marked Wivenhoe’s very first Black Friday.
In the library a 55 year-old woman beat a young girl unconscious in a desperate effort to get her hands on a pamphlet about learning to read and a custard cream that had fallen under a shelf, a riot broke out outside Rollo’s Estate Agents as people scrapped over bits of paper with details of a one-bedroomed shed in Clacton and a baying crowd set fire to the mayor’s office just for the hell of it. Meanwhile at Wivenhoe Railway Station, a frenzied pack of bell-endians ripped a man limb from limb after he got his hands on season ticket renewal forms and wouldn’t share them out with the crowd.
Wivenhoe’s chief of police, Chief Inspector Deputy Lieutenant, Captain David Starsky told Pebble Mill at One: “I think it’s safe to say that anything brother yank can do, we can more than match. Black Friday has been an enormous success and I for one can’t wait for Cyberman Monday and Gullible Twat Tuesday. Hakuna Matata as they say in Hamerica, Hakuna Matata!”