As tradition dictates, after a long hard week of completely ignoring the American version of Christmas, which for some stupid reason is called Thanks Gibbon, tomorrow is Black Friday.
And as anyone that’s been unfortunate enough to stumble upon an American will tell you, the only thing they love more than filling their faces with food is fighting over stuff that’s for sale in shops.
Somehow this ridiculous corporate monstrosity has made it over to the United Queendom of Great Britainshire, and we too can now revel in the joyous tradition of queuing up outside of shops in nervous anticipation of being able to bash the living shit out of anyone stupid enough to get between us and that slightly reduced – yet still over priced – crappy TV, video recorder or Atari gaming system.
Last year’s Black Friday was a wondrous celebration of all that’s good about humanity, with 150,000 people receiving serious injuries as they elbowed, bit and clawed at their fellow man in a deluded effort to save a couple of quid off of deep fat fryers, Barbie’s enchanted castle and Stannah stairlifts.
As Wivenhoe prepares to enter into the spirit of things, a cautionary word of advice has been issued by Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue: “It’s important that the Christian tradition of Black Friday is not marred by naysayers and miserablists. But it is essential to stay safe while you shop. I’d advise anyone planning on hunting out bargains in Wivenhoe is properly prepared. Try to pack a knife, handgun, baseball bat or even something like a length of chain that you can use to give yourself some space. If you’re planning on staying at home, cover your windows with newspaper, remove your doors and place them at a 45° angle against the wall and then stay there for up to 48 hours. Don’t forget a bucket for all that Black Friday toilet fun!”