In a controversial move that’s being accused of being highly elitist and smacking of twattery of the very highest order, Wivenhoe Co-op this morning announced that it will no longer be accepting cash or allowing customers to use contactless or credit cards to pay for its vastly over-priced and sub-par stock.
Speaking to The Mirror newspaper, store manager Alan Man explained: “Following a rebrand, it’s been decided that Co-op only wants to attract the very cream of Wivenhoe’s fairly crappy crop and so from now on we will only be accepting Blankety Blank cheques for payment from customers. Anyone that doesn’t like it can do one, yeah?”
In an effort to allay fears of concerned locals, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told residents: “I was under the impression that most of you lived on a diet of Pot Noodles and blueberry flavoured vapes – which I’m pretty sure you can get from the Post Office or One Stop. I don’t really understand what all the fuss is about. I doubt half of you can even afford to eat the food that’s in the posh person freezers at the back of Co-op anyway…”
We contacted Blankety Blank presenter Les Dawson for his thoughts on the situation, but he declined to comment on account of the fact that he has been dead now for 25 years.