Of all the pagan festivals that the simple folk of Wivenhoe enjoy celebrating, Black Friday is probably topper-most of the popper-most – just above Christmas, chasing a mini Babybel down a hill and the celebration of the day that guy was reborn from a chocolate egg.
Although Black Friday has taken on a rather different meaning to what it did in less enlightened times, there’s nothing quite like getting into a fist fight with a complete stranger over a series of shit commodities that you neither want nor need because the price has been lowered a little bit for bringing out the true human spirit.
Following multiple arrests and a range of serious injuries to bargain hunters last year, Wivenhoe’s most exclusive retail outlets aren’t taking any chances this time around, with Headfirst Hair Salon installing a machine gun tower, Kemble Funeral Services unveiling new door staff and One Stop employing its own militia made up of renegades and bounty hunters from as far afield as Braintree.
So, whether you’re looking to get your hands on a marble headstone, a shampoo and set or an oak casket at a seriously reduced price, you’ll need to be proper tooled up to beat all them other bastards to the best deals. Happy Black Friday to one and all.