For many of the millions of visitors that pay an annual pilgrimage to Wivenhoe’s sprawling woodland – recently renamed Victoria Wood Woods, after the comedy great – every year, the main draw is without doubt the gorgeous bluebells that carpet the mossy floor like a sort of violet axminster single-weave throw rug.
But now the gorgeous British bluebells are facing the fight of their life as a new more robust French strain of flower appears to be taking over.
Being French, the invasive species doesn’t play by the rules (whoever heard of a red bluebell for goodness sake?), refuses to wash, carries a flick knife and still thinks it’s cool to smoke Gitannes and say things like “Salut les chat” to any passing group of pretty mademoiselles.
Wivenhoe’s resident expert of all things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small – Doctor David Blue-Bellamy told The Watcher: “Some smart arse clearly thought it’d be a good idea to bring some of these French flowers home with them from their holidays and scatter the seeds in the Victoria Wood Woods. The tragedy is that these Mini Babybells – as they’re called – will wipe out our good old British flowers, leaving a pile of disappointing red wax and crackly cellophane in their wake. People really need to wake up and smell the cheese or before the know it, they’ll be waking up and , er smelling the cheese…”
Fortunately, a kindly bunch of dog walkers appears to be fighting back by hanging bags of their dog’s poop in random bushes and letting them crap on the path where children are most likely to walk. It’s universally agreed that this will do little to help anyone or anything, so good for them.