Residents of the sexy Essex town of Wivenhoe woke this morning to discover that its famed opticians had mysteriously gone all burry. The world-renowned spex provider – which counts Su Pollard, Bill 'Oddity'Oddie, Cheryl Cole and Desmond Tutu among its high-profile customers – attracts visitors from as far afield as Great Notley, Ixworth and Trimley St Martin, but is concerned that unless the problem is solved soon its future could be thrown into chaos.
Speaking to The Colchester Gazette, Optometrist-in-Chief Kenneth Pencilcase exclaimed: “It’s a bloody disaster. The four-eyed freaks that come in here find it difficult enough finding their way without this latest development. That’s view one, I’ll show it to you again, that’s view one and that’s view two, which of the dots seem brighter?”
Wivenhoe’s police spokesperson, Alfie Tosh Lines revealed: “There’s been a spate of this sort of thing going on across Essex. Just a few weeks ago Alresford’s Dental Practice started to discolour and smell of fish, while the Hearing Aid Centre in Colchester has gone all muffled. I blame the Russians myself, this is precisely the sort of thing they’d do to undermine our superior way of life”.