Wivenhoe women are being warned that it is no longer acceptable to walk around the town flaunting their feminity, after local woman Katherine Funbags was asked to cover her chest with a napkin by police.
Ms Funbags, aged 27 from Bobbits Way, told The Watcher: “I was out walking the dog in the King George V park when a police officer came up to me in a rather agitated state. He said me walking around with chest curves clearly visible was unacceptable. I was shocked, I was wearing a t-shirt and a jumper and didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about.”
In an effort to get to the root of the problem, The Watcher asked Wivenhoe chief of police David Starsky what a’gwan.
“These women have to remember that they can’t go around like this thrusting their curvaceous forms down our throats. If they must insist on wearing clothes that reveal that they do in fact have boom booms, I’d suggest they do so in a public lavatory or in the corner of the field – maybe even in the bit where all the dogs go to do their shittling and even then they should remain covered. It’s just not natural.”
When pressed to reveal what precisely he felt was inappropriate about lady-people puppies, Starsky went on to explain: “It’s just not nice is it? Once you start letting women wear tops that show the form of their, how you say, breasticals, it’s only a matter of time before they’re mammary-mouthing their kids and running around with their armpit hair blowing in the wind. If God had meant for women to use their chupa chups for feeding kids he would have made them with straws or something instead of the smooth orbs they are.”
In the interest of fairness, we should point out that Chief Inspector Starsky has little experience of women and last touched one back in 1982 when things were rather different.
Happily the women of Wivnehoe are not taking the confused copper’s advice lying down and have organised a series of ‘breast-ins’ to raise awareness of the double standards of the deluded detective's, er, boob.
Leslie Cupcakes explained to The Watcher: “We need people to understand that there’s nothing wrong with having mu cha-chas, and some of us are actually proud of ours. We’re standing up and saying ‘Looks at us, we’ve got humps, bumps and lady lumps and we’re not afraid to use them'.”
Pleasingly, the direct action has been openly supported by many men, with builders in particular taking time out of their busy day to go and cheer the women on as they flaunt their milk floats, even offering to hose them down in the afternoon sun in case they get too hot.
Wivenhoe’s leading feminist Doris Pillows told The Watcher: “It’s good to see that the men of Wivenhoe aren’t the lecherous morons we first thought they were. The sooner people learn to be a bit more grown up about our flumpydumps the better.”