Tomorrow the people of Not-So-Great Britainshire are voting on one of the most divisive issues in its over-rated history since Marathon decided to change its name to Snickers – and we didn’t even get a say in that one.
Dubbed BREG-SHIT, every man, woman and moron will have a say on whether or not Kent is cut off the bottom of the country and cast out into the sea to float away like an empty carrier bag in a fetid canal.
The choice is a simple one; do we let them stay and keep things properly messed up like they currently are or do we balls it up even more? For those that haven’t been watching the news, Kent is a bit like Eastenders, but slightly shitter. But do we keep it or cast it asunder?
Fortunately, this complex issue has been simplified for our pathetic mind cavities thanks to honest, measured debate and a fair and logical presentation of the facts by our unbiased media and honourable leaders. Thank you David Cameraman, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Katie Hate-Columnist and Nigel Mirage – you do your country proud.
If we were like other countries, this important debate would have been reduced to one team of lying, braying arse clumps spraying toxic mindspunk horseshit at the other equally despicable mouth breathers whose only response would be to stick their fingers in their ears and repeatedly blurt: “I know you are, you said you are!”
Thankfully, we’re better than that. We’re England, land of the free, kicker of balls, enslaver of the weak, celebrater of the mundane and crusher of hope and glory. We live in a perfect vision of loveliness where every man, woman and moron drinks tea from bone china cups, doffs their bowler hat to their neighbour and skips happily through the meadows hand in hand with their fellow man. There’s really nothing to worry about.
So as we embark on this real-life version of Deal Or No Deal where one box has a steaming pile of dog poo in it and the other has a cold bag of sick, it’s important to consider the facts.
Here they be:
1) Every 45 minutes Not-Even-Close-To-Being-Great Britainshire sends £45 billion pounds to Kent so that it can spend it on whatever the hell it likes. If we chose to leave, all of this money will definitely be spent on the NHS, honest.
2) If Kent stays, anyone from across the world can come and live and work here. This includes doctors, nurses, millionaires, super heroes, girls with cute names and guys with hot buns. But they probably won’t, we’ll actually end up with liars, thieves, scroungers and work-shy fops (ie the French).
3) Something about economics that I don’t really know or understand cos I wasn’t really listening, but you know it’s like important or something.
4) It’s vital that you vote to make your voice heard. Unless of course you have the voice of an idiot, in which case stay in and watch Loose Women and eat Salt & Vinegar Discos or whatever it is you normally do.
5) That’s it; I really can’t take any more of this shit.