For some time now, the sausage-fingered freaks that make up Wivenhoe Town Council have faced criticism for the consistently poor quality of the town’s road surfaces. But Theresa May-wannabe and figure head for the council – Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue – believes she may have finally hit upon the perfect solution.
Speaking this morning to engorged drivers, she revealed: “We believe we’ve finally discovered a solution that’s both hardwearing and sympathetic to cars, bringing an end to potholes and punctured tyres. By resurfacing Wivenhoe’s bumpiest roads with bubble wrap, we should banish bumpy journeys while also ensuring that blind pedestrians can hear approaching vehicles. It’s a win-win solution for everyone – particularly given that I can lay my hands on enough bubble wrap for all the roads and still have budget left over to have a well-earned Easter break in the Seychelles. You’re welcome…”
Installation of the new road surface is expected to begin as soon as Dame Dannii can get someone to give her a lift to Staples in Colchester.