It’s been a long wait but Wivenhoe’s residents excitedly took to the streets yesterday brimming with nervous sexual tension as they enthusiastically anticipated the results of everyone’s favourite seasonal celebration – budget time!
Children were given the day off school and excitedly dressed up as their favourite Chancellors of the exchequer from years gone by, while parents nervously stocked up on beer and fags just in case.
But any fears that this would be a continuation of the cuts that have seen Wivenhoe’s roads no longer encrusted in diamonds like they used to be ultimately proved fruitless as Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue revealed the good times are back.
In a 15-hour speech Dame Dannii announced a number of far-reaching measures including:
New housing for anyone with an M in their name
A freeze on prices of Co-op’s new super expensive range of foods
An increase of 15 percent cling film relief for local businesses
Men’s trousers to be 4 percent tighter and women’s skirts 3.9 percent shorter
A drop in 14 percent of tax on ketamine
14 percent less fog
And Gin to be reintroduced to schools
Speaking to Wivenhoe’s Scout Association, a heroic Dame Dannii exclaimed: “Austerity has proper gone and done one and the good times are back. It’s time for the people of Wivenhoe to once again bath in champagne, dry themselves with silk and douse themselves in Brut. Let the good times roll, baby!”