Wivenhoe police-force is delighted to announce that it’s summer exchange programme with French police officers is proving to be a roaring success, following efforts by armed officers from Cannes to put the sex appeal back into the British coastline.
In recent years, the UK has suffered something of a dowdy reputation in Europe for allowing our women to cover themselves up and show restraint, while in civilised countries like France it is considered selfish to keep what you’ve got to yourself. Under current French law if you’re not showing enough flesh, a police officer can literally shoot your clothes off with his gun until he decides that you’re democratically dressed.
Unfortunately, just this morning a self-serving woman who was probably a feminist brought shame to the town by sitting on Wivenhoe beach in what can only be described as “some clothes”. Thankfully, police officers were quick to the scene, repeatedly spraying CS gas into her face until she agreed to undo her tracksuit jacket. The guilty, law-breaking she-devil (who also suffers from the pixel-face affliction) has been given a copy of Playboy and told to take it away and think about a more appropriate way to present herself in the future.
Police officer Pierre Le-Twat told The Watcher: “Women need to realise that God gave them a body for a purpose – so that every man can enjoy it. We’re not saying that you can’t cover yourself up, but if you do insist on doing so you must do it in a sexy way, you know with latex, a wet t-shirt or clingfilm. Anything else could cause a riot”.
Colchester Council is understood to be interested in employing a similar scheme on the streets of the town, initiating a ban on trousers and skirts that are longer than 12in. Councillor Kevin F Ucktard told The Colchester Gazette: “If our women wear too many clothes we might get distracted by ISIS or something. It’s their democratic duty to protect us from these horrors”.