Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Danni Minogue last night called a proper grown-up emergency meeting in an effort to deal with the growing threat of butter knife crime. It’s understood that the terrifying trend is spiralling out of control in the town to the point where butter knives are reaching as much as £48.50 on the black market and really dark web.
Speaking to fellow councillors, head teachers and the bloke with the wonky ears that empties the dog poo bins (all over the pavements), a concerned Dame Dannii exclaimed: “Even the glorious haven that is Wivenhoe isn’t immune to the horrors of the outside world like happy slapping, Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and Tamagotchis, and so it is with great sadness that from tomorrow morning all children will be banned from the town. This butter knife thing is just getting out of control now. Just this morning I was forced to apply my Lurpak using a fish knife. When will the madness end?”
Speaking from Blackpool pier, Essex police chief DC Alfred Tosh Lyons refuted claims that the rise in butter knife crime was in anyway related to falling numbers of local bobbies on the beat, noting: “That’s ridiculous, this butter knife thing is a recent trend, and police haven’t been seen in Wivenhoe since 1982, so there can’t possibly be a connection. I blame the children, they’re like smaller versions of us but more stupider”
Concerned Wivenhoe busy body Rita Nosejob told The Colchester Gazette: “This whole thing is getting completely out of hand now. It’s got to the point where I’m having to use a runcible spoon to eat my cornflakes and I’m having to lock my quince fork up with my guns and porn stash. We should have banned kids year ago.”
Police are warning that anyone found harbouring a child or with a butter knife not connected to application of fermented milk product will be immediately convicted for crimes against humanity.