In the month in which the literary world lost the talents of Harper Lee, Umberto Eco and that guy that played the chief in the Police Academy movies, there was thankfully reason for cheer as one of the world’s finest scribes was finally recognised for his contribution to contemporary culture. Take the searing intellect of Bo Dereck and mix it with the cunning word play of Karen Carpenter and you have one of Wivenhoe’s greatest ever wordsmiths. Rabies and bentleman, I give you Dereck S Carpenter.
Like a sexy blend of Hunter S Thompson, Tom Wolfe and Captain Barnacles from the Octonauts, Wivenhoe’s favourite son Eric Sharpener has been wielding his mad typewriter skills like a sword of truth through the waves of Wivenhoe bullshit for well over two and a half years now. With epoch-defining headlines like “Wivenhoe Man Tries On Hat”, “Wivenhoe bird flies from tree” and “East Forfar 4, Fife 5”, Mr Crapenterd is rightly recognised as the forefather of modern journalism and an undoubted influence on big hitters including Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins and Alan Titchmarsh.
Essex University professor of Journalism, Literature, Thinking & All That, Owing Robinsons-Barley told The Sunday People: “For many of my students Del-boy is a bit of a star. He’s the sort of writer that says ‘balls’ to grammar, fact checking, spelling or anything of interest and just goes all out with his own marvellous agenda. He’s the reason I got into reading books in the first place and I can still remember the soft, velvety touch of his hands on my ankles as though it were yesterday…”
Parpentar beat a strong field of writers from across the globe including Richard Littlejohn, Anne Nonymous and the bloke from Norway or wherever it is what writes The Moomins books.