Police have warned the people of Wivenhoe to remain like totally vigilant, as a number of people have been forced to withdraw all of their cash at knifepoint by a gang of teenage cats. The cats have dressed themselves in a selection of little cute outfits that make them totes adorable to trick our simple little brain units.
Local simpleton Suzanne Dentalfloss explained how a family visit to the cash machine at Wivenhoe’s One Stop Love Toys Shop turned into a feline nightmare of hellish proportions.
“I was just getting 20 quid out to buy some cable ties cos Ralphy’s coming over tonight, and this adorable little kitten came and nuzzled its lovely little nose up against me ankles. I bent down to give it a stroke and it pulled a knife on me and made me withdraw all me savings. It was like scary telly, but worse cos I was in it, innit.”
Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told the gathered press: “We all know how delicious cats can be with a slice of lettuce and a dash of mayo, but we have to be careful. These gangs have been springing up all over the country taking advantage of our inability to control ourselves when there’s a cute and cuddly wittle animal there with its wovely eyes and wet little nose. You lot need to grow the hell up and sort it out.”
While vigilante gangs have been set up by local dogs to hunt down the culprits, police have asked that people don’t take matters into their own grubby little hands. Chief of Police David Starsky told John Craven's Newsround: “We’re getting special teams armed with saucers of milk to try and gather up these teenage tossers and hope to have sorted the problem before Easter. Keep em peeled, yeah?”