Wivenhoe Councillors were this morning given a grilling following increased security along the town’s borders, which it claims has nothing to do with the caravan of Rowhedge asylum seekers desperate to swarm into Wivenhoe in the vain hope of getting a taste of the good life.
Speaking at her regular scheduled meeting with the press via video-link from her Barbados residence, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue explained: “Honestly, I can’t bloody well win. One minute you lot are telling me you want out of Europe and then the next I’m accused of shutting down Wivenhoe’s borders. Make your bleeding minds up will, ya. The new security measures are nothing more than a way of ensuring foreign wading birds and scrounging seals don’t start thinking they can come over here and take advantage of Wivenhoe’s generosity. And besides, I got a good deal on the cameras. It might mean we have to close the library, but honestly who reads books nowadays anyways… Haven’t you lot heard of TV?”
The heightened security has come to light after a number of small vessels have been found washed up on Wivenhoe’s shoreline with exhausted asylum seekers desperate to escape the tyranny of the backwards regime that is Rowhedge. Amnesty International has described the situation as “desperate”, pointing out: “It’s no wonder they want out, the town doesn’t even have a train station and there’s only two pubs. How can people be expected to live in such backwards conditions?”