In a move that is absolutely not being ripped off from Waitrose, honest, Wivenhoe Co-op has unveiled a new fundraising scheme to help local charities, poor folk and the Welsh. And best of all it doesn’t require any effort from you.
Simply do all your shopping, stand and queue for up to 45 minutes at one of the two open counters and then you’ll be given a magical green disc. You then have to make the difficult choice of which charity or cause to give your special plastic circle to.
At the end of the month the charity with the most discs wins and as a reward these are then delivered to it in an unmarked envelope. The charity can then take the discs to their local Waitrose and in turn put them into the container of the charity that they like best – thus passing on the benefit of their good fortune – it’s a win-win situation for everyone.
Market anal-ists have suggested that this ‘pass it on’ model could solve all the world’s problems and do away with charities forever by the end of May.
Co-op manager Alan Knuckles told The Watcher: “This brilliant idea – that we came up with and didn’t get from Waitrose, honest – means that we can help out local causes without actually having to give a monkey’s about them or really doing anything. Everyone knows that doing stuff for charity is crap and involves stupid stuff like effort, ice buckets and getting your hands dirty. This way you can just shop and pretend that you’re doing something to make the world a better place, when actually you’re not and can’t be arsed.”
The Watcher spoke to someone from Africa who said: “These small green discs have solved all of the problems that we have here in Africa. Thanks to all the people that bought food and stuff and didn’t really give us a second thought we’re starting to turn our lives around. Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day, give a man a fishing rod and he’ll probably go fishing. But give a man a handful of green plastic discs from Waitrose – er I mean Co-op – and all of his problems will be over in an instant. Hakuna matata.”