Since splitting up with kickball buffoon Ashley Cole, the lovely Cheryl Cole has worked her way through a string of different men faster than The X Factor churns out talentless morons. But the good news is that the thinking man’s Emily Maitlis has finally found the man that’s right for her and, having spent just 38 minutes with him on a date, decided to get married in Saint Mary’s Church, Wivenhoe.
And The Watcher can exclusively reveal that the lucky fella is none other than Yogi Bear – one of the few TV superstars from the seventies and eighties not to be collared by Operation Yewtree.
Cheryl told The Watcher: “I met Yogi for some lovely tapas and we hit it off almost immediately. He’s smarter than the average bear and like me he likes to defecate in the woods. After I’d decided that he should marry me, he got down on bended knee and asked me if I’d be his little Boo boo, like.”
The pair then hot-footed it across the road to Saint Mary’s Church, where rector Ruud Gullit carried out a drive-through wedding for the love bird/bear.
Cheryl told the gathered press: “As someone that likes a bit of casual racism, this church is the only place for me to get hitched, like. Wor loves the way that they have them blacked up characters at Christmas here. Fog on the Tyne is all mine all mine, canny lad.”
It’s as yet unclear whether or not Cheryl will take on Yogi’s surname and become Cheryl Bear or if she will stick with the Cole monicker that has bought her fame and fortune the world over as ‘that woman with the accent that no one can understand’.