Rumours are being confirmed that Wivenhoe’s Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, is exploring a major cost-cutting exercise by resurfacing the town’s roads with chocolate spread. Speaking this morning to reporters from John Craven’s Newsround, Ms Minogue explained: “Tarmac is expensive, doesn’t look particularly nice and we only have to come back and fix the holes 12 months later. It’s just not viable to fix all the potholes and for me to still spend seven months of the year on holiday, so something’s got to give”.
Wivenhoe’s Minister for the Environment, Doctor David Bellamy, explained: “Not only is chocolate spread hard wearing, environmentally friendly and much more affordable, it’s also delicious and a rich source of calcium, or something. And by investing in Aldi’s own-brand spread and not Nutella, we’ve saved ourselves a shitload of money. It looks like the boss will be off to Barbados after all”.
If the new scheme proves to be a success, it’s understood that much-needed security fencing to protect the railway tracks will be erected using breadsticks, the church roof will be replaced with pâté and the new doctor’s surgery will finally be completed using an elegant combination of drinking straws, cling film and out of date baguettes.